There are times we think we’re communicating clearly, but the other person is hearing something completely different!
“I’ve tried everything, but I just can’t get through to them.”
I’ve heard versions of this sentence many times in coaching conversations recently.
Sometimes it comes from a senior leader talking about someone in their team. Sometimes it’s a manager preparing for a conversation they’ve already had three times and really don’t want to have for a fourth. Sometimes it’s about a whole team where communication just seems to have become… hard.
Different organisations. Different sectors. Different people.
But often, underneath it all, there is something remarkably similar going on.
We think we’re communicating clearly. But the other person is hearing something completely different.
One of the things I find fascinating about communication is that two people can leave exactly the same conversation with completely different experiences of it.
One person thinks: I was really clear about what I needed.
The other leaves thinking: I have absolutely no idea what they want from me.
One person believes they have offered support. The other experiences it as criticism.
One thinks they have given someone space. The other thinks they have been abandoned to deal with the problem alone.
And very often, neither person is deliberately being difficult.
That’s important. When communication becomes strained, it can be tempting to locate the problem in the other person.
They’re defensive.
They don’t listen.
They take everything personally.
They need too much detail.
They never get to the point.
They don’t communicate.
Perhaps…
But one of the things coaching encourages us to do is become curious about what else might be happening.
Most of us have developed ways of communicating that work pretty well for us.
None of these is inherently better than another.
The difficulty comes when we unconsciously assume that the way we like to communicate is simply the way good communication happens.
I see this particularly when people are under pressure. When workloads increase and time gets squeezed, we often become more—not less—like our natural selves. We shorten the email. Get straight to the point. Ask more questions. Give more detail. Take more control. Withdraw to think.
Whatever our pattern is, we tend to turn the volume up. And the person on the receiving end is doing exactly the same thing. Suddenly, what might ordinarily be a small difference in style becomes a source of genuine friction.
There are more variables at play now too. Many teams are working remotely or in hybrid arrangements. Colleagues may be working across different countries and cultures. We move constantly between email, Teams, Slack, WhatsApp, video calls and face-to-face conversations. The informal communication that once happened around the edges of work can easily disappear.
A quick question becomes an email.
A slightly abrupt email is read at the end of a stressful day.
Tone is inferred.
An assumption is made.
Nobody checks it.
And gradually a story develops about what the other person meant.
This is why communication difficulties can become disproportionately significant. It is rarely one enormous misunderstanding that damages a working relationship. More often, it is an accumulation of small moments that have never quite been explored.
When clients bring these situations into coaching, the most useful work is rarely helping them find a cleverer way of saying exactly the same thing. It’s often helping them see the 360 picture by exploring the full range of perspective.
One question I often return to is:
“What might this conversation sound like from their side of the table?”
It’s deceptively simple.
But it can shift a conversation from: Why aren’t they listening to me?
to: What might be getting in the way of them hearing me?
That doesn’t mean avoiding accountability and it doesn’t mean endlessly adapting ourselves while accepting poor behaviour. It certainly doesn’t mean that every difficult conversation can be solved by asking a lovely coaching question.
But understanding and accountability aren’t opposites. In fact, the better we understand the person we are communicating with, the more likely we are to be able to have a clear, useful conversation about what needs to happen next.
Something I encourage clients to experiment with is spending two minutes thinking about a conversation before they enter it.
Not rehearsing every possible response.
Not planning the perfect opening sentence.
Just becoming curious.
Start with yourself:
Then move your attention to the other person:
And then, perhaps most importantly, leave a little space for something you haven’t anticipated.
Questions such as:
Can take a conversation somewhere very different.
Not because the questions themselves are particularly sophisticated, but because they signal something important:
I’m not only waiting for my turn to speak. I’m interested in understanding what is happening for you.
Perhaps this is the biggest piece of learning I continue to take from my work with clients.
We tend to think of communication as something we do.
I communicate something to you. I explain – you understand. But communication is much more relational than that. It is something we create between us.
That means effective communication requires something more than simply being articulate.
It requires self-awareness, adaptability and curiosity. Perhaps that is why some of the most effective communicators I work with aren’t necessarily the people who speak the most confidently. They are often the people who notice.
And rather than immediately repeating themselves more loudly or more firmly, they get curious about why.
Because sometimes the answer to: “I’ve tried everything, but I just can’t get through to them”
isn’t to try harder…..
It’s to try differently!
Emma Wraighte is the Founder of Momentum Coaching, specialising in executive coaching, leadership development, and team dynamics. An ICF accredited PCC coach with a PG Cert in Business & Personal Coaching, Emma works with leaders across corporate, education, and third-sector organisations to strengthen leadership, communication, and organisational culture.
With over 15 years of senior leadership experience, she supports leaders navigating change, developing high-performing teams, and building collaborative cultures where people and performance can thrive.
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